Holiday Eating Tips – Humor

This time of the year (the last week of the holidays) sees us out and about away from the Homestead more than any other time of the year. Our many friends invite us over to eat or to a party to eat or to an event where there is food! So here are some funny tips for holiday eating.

Do and Do Not

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows absolutely nothing of the Christmas spirit. In reality, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it’s unusual. In truth, it’s even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can’t find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to develop into an eggnogaholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s the Holidays!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone!

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or entire milk. It’s like buying a sports vehicle with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a treat prior to going to a celebration in an effort to manage your consuming. The entire point of going to a Christmas party is to enjoy other individuals’s food free of charge.

6. No exercising!¬†You can do that in January when you have absolutely nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that barrel of eggnog.

7. If you encounter something truly great at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the sizes and shape of Santa, position yourself near them and do not budge. Have as many as you can in the past becoming the center of attention. They’re like a lovely pair of shoes. You’re never ever going to see them again if you leave them behind.

8. Very same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you do not like mincemeat, have 2 apples and one pumpkin. Always have 3. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Memorial Day?

9. Did somebody reference fruitcake? Granted, it’s packed with the mandatory celebratory calories, however prevent it at all expense. I mean, jeez, at least have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention. Re-read suggestions; start over, but rush, January is just around the corner.

Have a great Holidays and enjoy the food and friends!


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